Seeing the Tension Clearly

Every believer has wrestled with this question: How do I treat someone who says they are a Christian, but whose life shows little reflection of Christ? It’s a painful tension — between grace and truth, between compassion and accountability. Scripture offers both tenderness and firmness here. Jesus said, 

“You will recognize them by their fruits.” — Matthew 7:16 

He warned against hypocrisy but also cautioned against judgmental hearts: 

“Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” — John 7:24 

The goal is not condemnation, but discernment — to see clearly enough to love rightly.  

Responding with Discernment, Not Disdain

In ministry, we often remind believers that recognizing inconsistency in others is not an invitation to superiority, but to deeper prayer. A.W. Tozer wrote: 

“A Pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself.” (The Root of the Righteous, 1955) 

This means our response should begin inward: Lord, search my own heart first. When someone’s life doesn’t reflect their confession, Scripture invites us to be both honest and humble: 

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” — Galatians 6:1 

Gentleness does not ignore sin; it approaches it with the same compassion God extended to us.  

Truth in Love

C.S. Lewis wrote, 

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” (Mere Christianity, 1952) 

This defines the Christian approach: we don’t enable destructive behavior, nor do we weaponize truth. We seek the other’s ultimate good — repentance, healing, and spiritual growth. Confrontation, when necessary, should come prayerfully, not pridefully. Jesus outlined this in Matthew 18:15–17, teaching that correction begins privately, progresses patiently, and always holds reconciliation as the goal.  

Recognizing the Difference Between Struggle and Rebellion

Many believers stumble; few are without inconsistency. But there is a difference between struggling in faith and rejecting obedience. Oswald Chambers noted: 

“The true test of a saint’s life is not success but faithfulness in obscurity.” (My Utmost for His Highest, 1935) 

In counseling, it’s crucial to discern whether the person’s behavior reflects woundedness, immaturity, or willful rebellion.  

• Woundedness calls for compassion and mentorship. 
• Immaturity calls for teaching and discipleship. 
• Rebellion calls for boundaries and truth-telling. 

We love each person the same, but the expression of that love changes with their readiness to receive correction.  

Grace Without Naivety

Paul urged the Thessalonians, 

“Warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” — 1 Thessalonians 5:14 

This verse outlines a posture of grace and discernment. Not everyone needs the same response. Elisabeth Elliot said, 

“It is the will that has to be converted. The emotions will follow.” 

Sometimes, apparent hypocrisy is a symptom of an unconverted will — a heart not yet surrendered. In such cases, our role is not to fix but to faithfully model Christ’s love, setting boundaries when necessary.  

When to Step Back

If continued interaction causes confusion, manipulation, or harm, Scripture allows distance without bitterness. 

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” — 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” — Ephesians 5:11 

Boundaries are not unkind; they are an act of stewardship. We are called to “keep our hearts with all diligence” (Proverbs 4:23). As Tozer put it, 

“We must not mistake the grace of God for mere tolerance.” 

Reflection Questions

1. When I notice hypocrisy in another believer, what emotions rise in me — anger, sadness, fear, or compassion? 
2. How can I hold both truth and grace in my relationships? 
3. Have I prayed for this person, asking God to reveal their needs and my role? 
4. Where might God be using this situation to teach me humility or courage? 

Prayer of Response

Father, give me discernment without pride, love without compromise, and patience without indifference. Teach me to see others through Your mercy, and when correction is needed, let it be clothed in grace. Amen. 

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